10 Best Victorian Era Life Hacks!
1. Use a coffin torpedo to prevent bodysnatchers from stealing your corpse.
These days it's hard to decide which is more inconvenient-- expiring at the age of fifteen after a bout of cholera, or having your corpse stolen and then dissected by medical school students. If you fear the second scenario the most, then you need to invest in a coffin torpedo.
Just place this discreet explosive device into your casket before burial and screw down the lid. If a bodysnatcher tries to pry open the lid, he'll have himself a real blast!
2.Want to relieve feminine hysteria? Then insert this into your birth canal!
Physicians have known for some time that the best way to cure hysteria is through hysterical paroxysm, or masturbation to orgasm. This can make for an awkward visit to the doctor, however.
The good news is that British physician Joseph Mortimer Granville has recently invented a handheld battery-operated device that you can use in the privacy of your own home to induce the much-ballyhooed "hysterical paroxysm". This vibrating device, known as "Granville's Hammer" can be purchased at finer physician's offices. Just crank up the battery, insert the device into your birth canal, and feel the hysteria vibrate right out of your system!
3. Get rid of headaches by snorting the fungus that grows on the skulls of the dead.
Have you ever accidentally exhumed a skeleton while digging a well and wondered what you could do with the mossy fungus growing on the skull? Well, physicians call that skull fungus usnea, and it turns out that this fungus has a boatload of nifty uses.
Druggists in London presently charge between eight and eleven shillings for an entire skull covered in usnea, but you can save money by gathering your own. The key is to look for unburied bodies (battlefields are a goldmine), as this fungus prefers to grow on skulls that are exposed to air. Dry and powder the usnea and then insert it into your nose to cure everything from headaches to toothaches.
4. Get radiant skin and diminish wrinkles with an ointment made from human baby fat!
Remember the good old days when executioners used to sell human fat by the pound to apothecaries? Everyone knows the best human fat is German Armsunderfett (or "Poor Sinner's Fat") which comes from the corpses of criminals, but the Germans stopped producing it in the mid-18th century.
However, if you desire a youthful appearance and are looking for a place to buy human fat-- just like the kind your grandma used to use back in Munich-- then consider a trip to Italy, where the harvesting of fat from human infants is still legal. Nothing is better at reducing wrinkles and giving your skin a healthy glow!
5. Use stale urine on stubborn grease stains
You just got done rendering a chunk of human baby fat for a beauty treatment and notice that you now have an unsightly grease stain on your dress. Oh no!
Well, don't panic-- just take a pee.
No respectable housekeeper in this day and age would ever be caught dead without a bottle of stale urine, because when it comes to getting grease stains out of heavy fabrics, nothing works better.
6. Make your paintings come to life with powdered mummies
The world's best artists have known for centuries that the secret to making a masterpiece is to use "mummy brown", a paint made with pigments derived from powdered mummies. Unfortunately, the high cost of mummy brown meant that you had have royal blood in order to afford it.
The good news, however, is that the renewed interest in Egyptology has led to an abundance of mummies on the open market. As a result, you can now use the same legendary paint adored by the Pre-Raphaelite masters. In fact, as of 1855, mummies have become so affordable that you can buy one in Egypt and have it shipped to New York for as little as three cents per pound!
7. Cure the common cold by dousing yourself with acid.
As any respectable doctor will tell you, the body can only hold one illness at a time, and illnesses can be forced out of the body through blistering. While some old-fashioned doctors still advocate blistering the skin with red-hot pokers, those on top of the latest medical trends know that, when it comes to blistering the skin, nothing works better than carbolic acid. Derived from coal tar, carbolic acid is all the rage in Germany right now.
8. Stubborn facial hair? Try arsenic and lye!
The leading ladies of the Victorian Age know that the best way to treat unsightly facial hair is with a quicklime depilatory made with arsenic and strong alkaline lye. Luckily, the 1871 edition of Beeton's Dictionary contains a recipe.
9. The secret to getting eyes to die for? Nightshade drops, of course.
A woman's beauty these days is not determined by the width of her hips or the color of her hair, but by the size of her pupils. From London to Paris, dilated pupils are soooo in right now. But how do you get them? By using eyedrops made from the nightshade, or belladonna, plant. Queen Victoria herself is rumored to be a fan.
10. Ward off tuberculosis by holding your breath when you walk past a cemetery
Few diseases are as romanticized by Victorians as consumption, but medical minds are still unsure as to how this disease spreads. To the best of our knowledge, consumption is caused by malevolent air-- or miasma. And since we bury victims of consumption in graveyards, it stands to reason that the best way to ward off consumption is to avoid breathing the air whenever you're in the vicinity of a graveyard. This life hack will also help you avoid smallpox, malaria, leprosy, hysteria and virtually every other disease, because the miasma theory neatly and conveniently explains just about every illness under the sun.